Parody: Government Rank-and-File Workers Speak Out

I recently e-mailed a friend of mine: "If you send me a news story, any kind of story about people that is, I will write a parody based on it and send it back to you-- try it, I dare you."

She sent me a column, but I tackled it anyway. View the original Washington Post column in a separate browser window alongside the parody to get the full effect.

With government continuing to grow even under Republican Presidents and Congresses, it's only a matter of time before . . .

Rank-and-File Workers Speak Out Anonymously On Pay for Performance

By Stephen Bareass

The Washington Post; August 9, 2025; B02

The Diary's in-box is full-- with pay issues at the top of the screen.

Columns in late July explored some of the questions being asked by federal employees about pay- for-performance systems underway in the Bush IV administration. Today's column shares some additional comments from readers interested in how the government compensates and motivates its workforce.

From a stripper fielded by the Department of Health and Human Services who is returning to the private sector: "I find the current system frigid and flaccid. . . . While my supervisors tout the fact that I have all this experience and a nice body, they don't acknowledge that where it counts -- in my thong every two minutes.

"I find it unmotivating to get paid a set amount regardless of the quality of my work. . . and the caps on tips are idiotic.

"Nevertheless, I've seen some behavior in my short time in the government that probably would have led to hiring in the private sector. I leave my government job with greater respect for the work that people do for the poor, for nominal pay. At the same time, I am quite disgusted with the Christian Right; those people would take away working people’s right to healthy sexual gratification."

From a federal schoolteacher located in Boise, Idaho: "Right now, civil service employees are somewhat 'buffered' from politically-motivated actions of the extreme Right. Schoolteachers can advance the latest social theories without fear of losing salary or jobs (however, sometimes it’’s best to have students sign confidentiality agreements!).

". . . Without the Department of Education, I wonder how I could fight for what I believe is right. As an educational professional, we get into debates amongst ourselves all the time. But there was widespread agreement that the home school movement is another example of ‘‘You get what you pay for.’’ How will homeschoolers be able to know right from wrong when they are being taught by parents, without benefit of the values-clarification courses?"

"We'll see how the home schoolers do. . . . I am not optimistic."

[Note: Only minor changes were made to this paragraph- skip it.] From a federal retiree: "In my immediate organization we had two long-term employees that should have been transferred to a different Department because they did next to no work, leaving their assignments to be shifted to others. I clearly sensed the supervisor did not have the time available to sacrifice mission work in order to increase the priority on needed discipline.
In a parallel organization I observed a supervisor apply hundreds of peoplehours needed to pass through all the wickets to transfer an employee -- time that could not be taken and which compromised the mission.

[Don’t bother reading this boring paragraph either.] "I was not in a supervisory position but witnessed the bind leaders were being placed in when faced with the dilemma of increased administrative time encroaching into their primary duties of leading an organization and getting a job done. I am therefore puzzled as to how newly proposed performance pay systems that will require substantially more time to administer to employees can be in the best interests of the government? I am also puzzled as to why this is not more of an issue?"

I don’t know what the hell this person was trying to say, but I have a space quota to fill. Government subsidies of the newspaper industry are based on the number of pages, and we’re behind this month.

From a new federal supervisor at the Department of Homeland Security: "A merit-based system is not a cure to the problems that plague the government workforce, it is nothing new. And it's an old, discredited idea, a lesson learned from its application in the private sector. Of course it makes people, including myself, nervous. Job security is a hallmark of the government. A correctly implemented merit-based system could reveal that some individuals’ existence in government cannot be justified and that they should be, dare I say it, fired. Nothing could be crueler."

A Note to Readers

As you may have noticed, none of the readers quoted above is identified. They gave permission for me to excerpt from their e-mails but not to identify them by name. I verified that they are, indeed, government employees using telephone numbers they gave me. They wanted to make their points but avoid rocking the boat or embarrassing their agencies. However, under the Journalist Source Disclosure Act of 2007, I will be required to submit all of their contact information to the Valerie Plame Center for Responsible Journalism.

Thank you.

E-mail:bareass@washpost.com